Gushing.....

Life at the beach has it's major advantages.  Salt air, waves, sand, sun, breezes...whether it's warm or cold, it brings such peace and harmony to my heart and my head.  I have found that going there at night, by myself, in the dark as a weekly ritual- cleanses the spirit.  I haven't written much because I've been so busy soaking up my new life and relishing the moments I have with my kids in this new life.  I've been afraid to talk about it for fear of jinxing it.  As if all the peace will vanish if I said it out loud.  Moving here is the absolute best decision I could have made for me and the kids.
We are home.

For some reason my upcoming 39th birthday has me contemplating the life that I have lived and in some cases, the life that was thrust upon me. I find myself gushing about how I really am one lucky girl.  I should be dead, three times over, as a result of the illness I suffered with each of my pregnancies.  Healthy and happy children are the miracles in my life, despite the loss of my sweet Griffin.  He was happy while he was with us and that was a miracle too.   I have had great love in my life and I will again.  I have learned to appreciate each and every moment I have on this earth.  I have learned to not sweat the small stuff, to take each moment as it comes and be present in it.  I am blessed beyond measure. Most importantly, I've proven to myself I can handle the everyday on my own.  I've proven to myself that I have stopped the incessant worrying about what other people think, money and anything else that doesn't truly matter in the grand scheme of things.  Despite the yucky.  Despite the unpleasantness.  Despite the pain.  I am one very lucky girl.

Given all of that, I feel like I don't have a right to complain.  I don't want to be greedy or selfish or petty.  I am so very thankful.  Yet, there is one wish I'm saving for my birthday candles...I'd like the paranoia and doubt with regard to trusting my heart to go away.  I want to love with reckless abandon again.  I want to fully believe in my instincts again.  I want to trust myself again.  I don't want to be damaged goods.  I want my head to stop dictating what I believe in my heart.

So, I will continue to walk the loop of the beach and breathe in the salt air because I know with every step, my head stops swimming and brings peace to my heart. The analyzing every moment of every day, to connect the dots and try to figure out what the grand plan is, dissipates. I slow down and stop trying to anticipate everything.  I get better at letting go and letting God.  In doing so, I know I'll get my wish and I will be even luckier than I am now.

T