Anticipation

Since my last post, I defended and passed my dissertation, finished corrections, had a 70 person attended party at my house complete with the Clemson Pep Band, went to Disney for a week, baked cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve with some of our favorite people, had an awesome Christmas day with my kids, had an awesome last Christmas dinner with friends and the kids in Clemson, sent the kids off to spend a week with their dad, had the movers come pack and load all in one day, cleaned and bid farewell to little Clemson and my little house, moved into a 1 bedroom hometel in Wilmington, NC, celebrated 2012 in a movie theater watching Sherlock Holmes, got the kids back, successfully sent them off to their new schools and then returned to SC for less than 24 hours to get officially divorced.

Regardless of all of that awesome, with all of that accomplishment, with all of that amazing stuff I did by myself, that last one managed to kick my butt.  Here I sit, licking my wounds and recognizing  I lied...remember when I said I didn't think it would bother me?  Well, yah, not so much, my ass.  

Yes, I'm relieved its done.  The anticipation of the date, in this case, did not bite me in the ass.  The actual event did.  The actual proceedings were, to quote Kate, "Bonkers".  It started when the baliff insisted on Roberts Rules of Order to call us into the courtroom....what was suppose to be 15 minutes at most, stretched to 30, due to each of us being called to the stand (which wasn't suppose to happen). He shall not be named was actually asked if it was okay with him if I change my name (WTF??), among other absurd things.  The kind friend who was called to the stand to testify that we had, indeed, been in non-cohabitation for more than a year, was interrupted by the judge from the adjacent courtroom seeking 'extra security because he couldn't find the panic button' .  This was immediately followed by what was presumably a woman, just outside our courtroom, banging around moaning for about 10 minutes about, among other things, her burning arm. After which I was called to the stand to testify that, I was, indeed not seeking a name change as a result of criminal activity, filing for bankruptcy or being on a sexual offender registry.  Yes, you read that right.  Beyond offended as I returned to my seat, the judge granted the divorce, not even giving me the courtesy of actually placing my ass in the chair before he rendered his decision.

I did not bother to anticipate how the hearing would transpire (like that could have been predicted) and I certainly didn't anticipate what I would or wouldn't say to him after it was all done.  As we stood outside the courthouse, words escaped me.  He looked at me and thanked me.  Thanked me for being at the hearing and for signing the papers.  Huh??  I had no response because I was thinking what the hell do I say now and HUH??? And then, of course, I had tears.  He had none.  I had tears. Dammit, I had tears.

A few more pleasantries and he was gone. I looked at Kate, crying and she was crying...an emotional pendulum ensued for the remainder of the day.  I went from sobbing to laughing and back again. Yah, it smacked me in the gut like a 2x4.  The lack of anticipation left me unprepared for the freefall.  However, it has not completely wiped me out...I just have moments of overwhelming sadness.  It's so very sad and disappointing and unfortunate.  Everyone keeps telling me this is my opportunity for a fresh start, a new beginning.   I recognize that but honestly, I didn't need a fresh start.  I didn't want to start over.  But, no sense dwelling on it.  I let myself have my moments and then go about my day.

So, I look at all the positives....I have started a new job at a familiar and welcoming place.  It's home and the movers only delivered our stuff this morning.  I do truly feel at home here and the kids do too, which is an unbelievable relief.  I'm hopeful that this change will allow us all to blossom and find the joy and happiness we so richly deserve.  I have beautiful, healthy, smart children.  I do my best every day to make sure they stay that way.  Life has definitely not followed the path I anticipated, so now I will wait to see where it takes me.... 

Here's hoping that 2012 brings nothing but happy surprises and much love....

Tiffany, PhD ;)

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