Life at the beach has it's major advantages. Salt air, waves, sand, sun, breezes...whether it's warm or cold, it brings such peace and harmony to my heart and my head. I have found that going there at night, by myself, in the dark as a weekly ritual- cleanses the spirit. I haven't written much because I've been so busy soaking up my new life and relishing the moments I have with my kids in this new life. I've been afraid to talk about it for fear of jinxing it. As if all the peace will vanish if I said it out loud. Moving here is the absolute best decision I could have made for me and the kids.
We are home.
For some reason my upcoming 39th birthday has me contemplating the life that I have lived and in some cases, the life that was thrust upon me. I find myself gushing about how I really am one lucky girl. I should be dead, three times over, as a result of the illness I suffered with each of my pregnancies. Healthy and happy children are the miracles in my life, despite the loss of my sweet Griffin. He was happy while he was with us and that was a miracle too. I have had great love in my life and I will again. I have learned to appreciate each and every moment I have on this earth. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff, to take each moment as it comes and be present in it. I am blessed beyond measure. Most importantly, I've proven to myself I can handle the everyday on
my own. I've proven to myself that I have stopped the incessant
worrying about what other people think, money and anything else that
doesn't truly matter in the grand scheme of things. Despite the yucky. Despite the unpleasantness. Despite the pain. I am one very lucky girl.
Given all of that, I feel like I don't have a right to complain. I don't want to be greedy or selfish or petty. I am so very thankful. Yet, there is one wish I'm saving for my birthday candles...I'd like the paranoia and doubt with regard to trusting my heart to go away. I want to love with reckless abandon again. I want to fully believe in my instincts again. I want to trust myself again. I don't want to be damaged goods. I want my head to stop dictating what I believe in my heart.
So, I will continue to walk the loop of the beach and breathe in the salt air because I know with every step, my head stops swimming and brings peace to my heart. The analyzing every moment of every day, to connect the dots and try to figure out what the grand plan is, dissipates. I slow down and stop trying to anticipate everything. I get better at letting go and letting God. In doing so, I know I'll get my wish and I will be even luckier than I am now.
T
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Anticipation
Since my last post, I defended and passed my dissertation, finished corrections, had a 70 person attended party at my house complete with the Clemson Pep Band, went to Disney for a week, baked cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve with some of our favorite people, had an awesome Christmas day with my kids, had an awesome last Christmas dinner with friends and the kids in Clemson, sent the kids off to spend a week with their dad, had the movers come pack and load all in one day, cleaned and bid farewell to little Clemson and my little house, moved into a 1 bedroom hometel in Wilmington, NC, celebrated 2012 in a movie theater watching Sherlock Holmes, got the kids back, successfully sent them off to their new schools and then returned to SC for less than 24 hours to get officially divorced.
Regardless of all of that awesome, with all of that accomplishment, with all of that amazing stuff I did by myself, that last one managed to kick my butt. Here I sit, licking my wounds and recognizing I lied...remember when I said I didn't think it would bother me? Well, yah, not so much, my ass.
Yes, I'm relieved its done. The anticipation of the date, in this case, did not bite me in the ass. The actual event did. The actual proceedings were, to quote Kate, "Bonkers". It started when the baliff insisted on Roberts Rules of Order to call us into the courtroom....what was suppose to be 15 minutes at most, stretched to 30, due to each of us being called to the stand (which wasn't suppose to happen). He shall not be named was actually asked if it was okay with him if I change my name (WTF??), among other absurd things. The kind friend who was called to the stand to testify that we had, indeed, been in non-cohabitation for more than a year, was interrupted by the judge from the adjacent courtroom seeking 'extra security because he couldn't find the panic button' . This was immediately followed by what was presumably a woman, just outside our courtroom, banging around moaning for about 10 minutes about, among other things, her burning arm. After which I was called to the stand to testify that, I was, indeed not seeking a name change as a result of criminal activity, filing for bankruptcy or being on a sexual offender registry. Yes, you read that right. Beyond offended as I returned to my seat, the judge granted the divorce, not even giving me the courtesy of actually placing my ass in the chair before he rendered his decision.
I did not bother to anticipate how the hearing would transpire (like that could have been predicted) and I certainly didn't anticipate what I would or wouldn't say to him after it was all done. As we stood outside the courthouse, words escaped me. He looked at me and thanked me. Thanked me for being at the hearing and for signing the papers. Huh?? I had no response because I was thinking what the hell do I say now and HUH??? And then, of course, I had tears. He had none. I had tears. Dammit, I had tears.
A few more pleasantries and he was gone. I looked at Kate, crying and she was crying...an emotional pendulum ensued for the remainder of the day. I went from sobbing to laughing and back again. Yah, it smacked me in the gut like a 2x4. The lack of anticipation left me unprepared for the freefall. However, it has not completely wiped me out...I just have moments of overwhelming sadness. It's so very sad and disappointing and unfortunate. Everyone keeps telling me this is my opportunity for a fresh start, a new beginning. I recognize that but honestly, I didn't need a fresh start. I didn't want to start over. But, no sense dwelling on it. I let myself have my moments and then go about my day.
So, I look at all the positives....I have started a new job at a familiar and welcoming place. It's home and the movers only delivered our stuff this morning. I do truly feel at home here and the kids do too, which is an unbelievable relief. I'm hopeful that this change will allow us all to blossom and find the joy and happiness we so richly deserve. I have beautiful, healthy, smart children. I do my best every day to make sure they stay that way. Life has definitely not followed the path I anticipated, so now I will wait to see where it takes me....
Here's hoping that 2012 brings nothing but happy surprises and much love....
Tiffany, PhD ;)
P.S. If you are not on facebook, please leave me a comment here so I can get you my new email address!
Regardless of all of that awesome, with all of that accomplishment, with all of that amazing stuff I did by myself, that last one managed to kick my butt. Here I sit, licking my wounds and recognizing I lied...remember when I said I didn't think it would bother me? Well, yah, not so much, my ass.
Yes, I'm relieved its done. The anticipation of the date, in this case, did not bite me in the ass. The actual event did. The actual proceedings were, to quote Kate, "Bonkers". It started when the baliff insisted on Roberts Rules of Order to call us into the courtroom....what was suppose to be 15 minutes at most, stretched to 30, due to each of us being called to the stand (which wasn't suppose to happen). He shall not be named was actually asked if it was okay with him if I change my name (WTF??), among other absurd things. The kind friend who was called to the stand to testify that we had, indeed, been in non-cohabitation for more than a year, was interrupted by the judge from the adjacent courtroom seeking 'extra security because he couldn't find the panic button' . This was immediately followed by what was presumably a woman, just outside our courtroom, banging around moaning for about 10 minutes about, among other things, her burning arm. After which I was called to the stand to testify that, I was, indeed not seeking a name change as a result of criminal activity, filing for bankruptcy or being on a sexual offender registry. Yes, you read that right. Beyond offended as I returned to my seat, the judge granted the divorce, not even giving me the courtesy of actually placing my ass in the chair before he rendered his decision.
I did not bother to anticipate how the hearing would transpire (like that could have been predicted) and I certainly didn't anticipate what I would or wouldn't say to him after it was all done. As we stood outside the courthouse, words escaped me. He looked at me and thanked me. Thanked me for being at the hearing and for signing the papers. Huh?? I had no response because I was thinking what the hell do I say now and HUH??? And then, of course, I had tears. He had none. I had tears. Dammit, I had tears.
A few more pleasantries and he was gone. I looked at Kate, crying and she was crying...an emotional pendulum ensued for the remainder of the day. I went from sobbing to laughing and back again. Yah, it smacked me in the gut like a 2x4. The lack of anticipation left me unprepared for the freefall. However, it has not completely wiped me out...I just have moments of overwhelming sadness. It's so very sad and disappointing and unfortunate. Everyone keeps telling me this is my opportunity for a fresh start, a new beginning. I recognize that but honestly, I didn't need a fresh start. I didn't want to start over. But, no sense dwelling on it. I let myself have my moments and then go about my day.
So, I look at all the positives....I have started a new job at a familiar and welcoming place. It's home and the movers only delivered our stuff this morning. I do truly feel at home here and the kids do too, which is an unbelievable relief. I'm hopeful that this change will allow us all to blossom and find the joy and happiness we so richly deserve. I have beautiful, healthy, smart children. I do my best every day to make sure they stay that way. Life has definitely not followed the path I anticipated, so now I will wait to see where it takes me....
Here's hoping that 2012 brings nothing but happy surprises and much love....
Tiffany, PhD ;)
P.S. If you are not on facebook, please leave me a comment here so I can get you my new email address!
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