Just keep walking...

So, I have been cooped up for the last 4 solid months writing my dissertation.  Yesterday, I printed the 188 page document 5 times for distribution to my committee.  Took the kids to dinner and a movie to 'celebrate'.  Celebrate in quotes because it didn't sink in.  Because, this morning I woke up at five to seven thinking "Okay, I'll go for my walk and then I'll get back to work on the revisions...."  I went back to sleep when I finally realized I didn't have to do that today.

I went for my walk.  For the past 4 months or so, my time walking has been spent coming up with phrases for rewording things, thoughts on how to reorganize chapter 4, making lists of what still needed to be corrected, rewritten or tossed out.  Piles upon piles of thoughts on nanoparticles, glass and photoluminescence have cluttered my mind and my kitchen table, coffee table and desk.  This morning, the other stuff I have managed to bury under those piles of technical thoughts, rushed to the forefront and guess what happened?  I started sobbing while walking down Highway 93 with the throngs of Clemson fans driving to the game watching from their cars.  I couldn't stop crying, so I kept walking.  Walked all the way to campus before it subsided.  Really, until I convinced myself that I was okay and my whole world wasn't coming to an end.

You see, I walk the same route almost everyday, but today as I walked by the spot where he said to me "maybe we've gone as far as we can together",  I remembered that's where he said it.  Why today?  I made it around the corner before I caught my breath.  Then, I started to cry because I want to hear an honest to goodness, truthful, soulful apology from someone I know I'll never get it from.  My heart is broken and I want to hear he understands that and he knows he screwed up.   The 'dumb girl' in me wants that.  Badly.  I won't ask for a why anymore.  A why won't fix anything.  Won't change anything.  But, I want an honest admission of guilt.  He lied.  He broke promises.  He stole things from me he said were mine to keep.  I'm hurt, I've done nothing wrong and I want an apology.  After 14 years of marriage, I think I'm entitled to at least that.

Which then made me think about how I'm doing all of this moving forward, moving on,starting over stuff  by myself and a part of me, well, let's be honest here, A LOT of me wishes I weren't.  I miss having someone in my life who gets all of it.  Who's there when it's time to turn out the light.  Who's there to tell me, I'm glad you had a good day today. Who expects to see me at the end of the day.  I'm so tired of feeling like such an imposition to other people.  I feel like I'm constantly asking for attention and when I do see people I don't want to tell them about my trials for fear they'll leave and not want to see me again. 

I know I'm independent.  I have been my whole life.  I can do it myself.  I am doing it myself.  But, I would really like a partner in crime.  Somebody to remind me it's time to go to bed.  Somebody to be proud of being with me.  Somebody who wants to be with me.  Somebody who can't wait to see me.  Somebody who makes my heart race at the thought of being with them.  I miss that.  I miss all of it.  I really do.

I'm not out looking.  I don't have time for that (see paragraph 1).  I have a dissertation to defend, a house to get streamlined for a move that will happen in a little over a month, and a new life to get organized for me and the kids.  Not to mention supporting and loving those kids.  They really need me right now too.  So, I don't have time to fall apart.  I don't have time to be lonely and I sure as hell don't have time to wallow around drowning in self pity. But, here I am, boo-hooing anyway.

Apparently, my heart didn't get the memo today. 

But, tomorrow is a new day.  I'll go for another walk and this time, that spot won't get to me, but if it does, oh well.  The piles have to get cleaned up for this move and that's just one I've got to get moved off of my heart.

T.