This is me.

I'm an intelligent, strong, independent, well-educated, relatively stable, tall, 40 pounds lighter woman with killer blue eyes. I tend to feel the need to be in charge.  I like to plan and organize everything.  I probably talk too much, I like to gossip, and I admit this freely.  I can do calculus, the laundry and make a mean pot of chili.  I like to collect kitchen tools and have recently discovered my need to collect really fabulous girl shoes, mostly of the higher the heel the better variety.  I watch tv whenever I have the opportunity and have a handful of shows that I must see for my week to be complete.  I have a knack for quoting movies, especially those that I repeatedly watched as a child/teen and I tend to always have a movie to relate to a current moment in my reality.  I don't like nature, for the most part, especially furry creatures and their six or eight legged counterparts.  The beach and sunshine are good for my soul.  I love Christmas.  I drink Coke but never coffee.  One of my favorite things to do is to ride in my car with the windows down and the music way up on a beautiful day.  I have recently discovered swing/shag/blues dancing and now, I know, I can't live without it. 

But, most of all, and I think best of all, I love. In fact, I love to love.  I love to have someone to love and I think maybe, I am in love with being in love.  I love with my whole heart, too.  This makes me, I believe, fiercely loyal and protective of those I am lucky enough to call my friends and family.  This is what I do.  I nurture, I tend to and I try to take care of those I love and I can't turn this part of me off.  I've been trying, but, I can't do it.  Silly to even try.

I have recently been pondering these facts about me and trying to figure out why I feel a little off.  I realized it's the love thing. I feel like I've got a gaping hole in my chest where my heart use to be for all the world to see,  I have all this love to give and  I'm the one who needs it.  Never been selfish a day in my life (intentionally, anyway).  Never put myself first, ever.  I give and give, because, that's who I am.   If you are my friend, I love you and that's that.  I don't know another way.  I'm sure there are varying degrees of that love, by definition, but I do love you, plain and simple. So, why can't I find a way to fill that hole for myself? 

This is the first time in my adult life I have not been half of a duo.  I'm having to become my own 'safe place to fall'  and it's damn hard.  Weird because I have always  been independent and self-reliant, but I have been thrown into a situation that I find absolutely foreign to me. I adore and am in love with my kids, but I refuse to become one of those moms that pours every ounce of themselves into their children because they have no other interests and finds themselves living vicariously through them in some odd attempt at being their 'best' friend.  I need to be me, Tiffany.  Separate, but no less important, than Tiffany the Mom or Tiffany the PhD, etc. 

I guess I should probably cut myself some slack.  It's only been 10 months since I started this journey, while I spent 18 years doing it the other way.  It should take some time and I finally get the phrase "growing pains', because this is hard.  Very hard.  But, this is me.  A lot of the old with some pretty amazing new mixed in.  I need to love this Tiffany because it's the only way I'll be able to spread the love around again and fill that hole.  I've got to stop stifiling myself, in some attempt to re-invent myself or wondering why some people have decided that I'm not enough for them.  It's ridiculous. From this moment on I'm going to stop putting so much pressure on myself to just fix it. 

I need to take my own advice and just freaking roll with it. 
This is me.
Tiffany :)