Life at the beach has it's major advantages. Salt air, waves, sand, sun, breezes...whether it's warm or cold, it brings such peace and harmony to my heart and my head. I have found that going there at night, by myself, in the dark as a weekly ritual- cleanses the spirit. I haven't written much because I've been so busy soaking up my new life and relishing the moments I have with my kids in this new life. I've been afraid to talk about it for fear of jinxing it. As if all the peace will vanish if I said it out loud. Moving here is the absolute best decision I could have made for me and the kids.
We are home.
For some reason my upcoming 39th birthday has me contemplating the life that I have lived and in some cases, the life that was thrust upon me. I find myself gushing about how I really am one lucky girl. I should be dead, three times over, as a result of the illness I suffered with each of my pregnancies. Healthy and happy children are the miracles in my life, despite the loss of my sweet Griffin. He was happy while he was with us and that was a miracle too. I have had great love in my life and I will again. I have learned to appreciate each and every moment I have on this earth. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff, to take each moment as it comes and be present in it. I am blessed beyond measure. Most importantly, I've proven to myself I can handle the everyday on
my own. I've proven to myself that I have stopped the incessant
worrying about what other people think, money and anything else that
doesn't truly matter in the grand scheme of things. Despite the yucky. Despite the unpleasantness. Despite the pain. I am one very lucky girl.
Given all of that, I feel like I don't have a right to complain. I don't want to be greedy or selfish or petty. I am so very thankful. Yet, there is one wish I'm saving for my birthday candles...I'd like the paranoia and doubt with regard to trusting my heart to go away. I want to love with reckless abandon again. I want to fully believe in my instincts again. I want to trust myself again. I don't want to be damaged goods. I want my head to stop dictating what I believe in my heart.
So, I will continue to walk the loop of the beach and breathe in the salt air because I know with every step, my head stops swimming and brings peace to my heart. The analyzing every moment of every day, to connect the dots and try to figure out what the grand plan is, dissipates. I slow down and stop trying to anticipate everything. I get better at letting go and letting God. In doing so, I know I'll get my wish and I will be even luckier than I am now.
T
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Anticipation
Since my last post, I defended and passed my dissertation, finished corrections, had a 70 person attended party at my house complete with the Clemson Pep Band, went to Disney for a week, baked cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve with some of our favorite people, had an awesome Christmas day with my kids, had an awesome last Christmas dinner with friends and the kids in Clemson, sent the kids off to spend a week with their dad, had the movers come pack and load all in one day, cleaned and bid farewell to little Clemson and my little house, moved into a 1 bedroom hometel in Wilmington, NC, celebrated 2012 in a movie theater watching Sherlock Holmes, got the kids back, successfully sent them off to their new schools and then returned to SC for less than 24 hours to get officially divorced.
Regardless of all of that awesome, with all of that accomplishment, with all of that amazing stuff I did by myself, that last one managed to kick my butt. Here I sit, licking my wounds and recognizing I lied...remember when I said I didn't think it would bother me? Well, yah, not so much, my ass.
Yes, I'm relieved its done. The anticipation of the date, in this case, did not bite me in the ass. The actual event did. The actual proceedings were, to quote Kate, "Bonkers". It started when the baliff insisted on Roberts Rules of Order to call us into the courtroom....what was suppose to be 15 minutes at most, stretched to 30, due to each of us being called to the stand (which wasn't suppose to happen). He shall not be named was actually asked if it was okay with him if I change my name (WTF??), among other absurd things. The kind friend who was called to the stand to testify that we had, indeed, been in non-cohabitation for more than a year, was interrupted by the judge from the adjacent courtroom seeking 'extra security because he couldn't find the panic button' . This was immediately followed by what was presumably a woman, just outside our courtroom, banging around moaning for about 10 minutes about, among other things, her burning arm. After which I was called to the stand to testify that, I was, indeed not seeking a name change as a result of criminal activity, filing for bankruptcy or being on a sexual offender registry. Yes, you read that right. Beyond offended as I returned to my seat, the judge granted the divorce, not even giving me the courtesy of actually placing my ass in the chair before he rendered his decision.
I did not bother to anticipate how the hearing would transpire (like that could have been predicted) and I certainly didn't anticipate what I would or wouldn't say to him after it was all done. As we stood outside the courthouse, words escaped me. He looked at me and thanked me. Thanked me for being at the hearing and for signing the papers. Huh?? I had no response because I was thinking what the hell do I say now and HUH??? And then, of course, I had tears. He had none. I had tears. Dammit, I had tears.
A few more pleasantries and he was gone. I looked at Kate, crying and she was crying...an emotional pendulum ensued for the remainder of the day. I went from sobbing to laughing and back again. Yah, it smacked me in the gut like a 2x4. The lack of anticipation left me unprepared for the freefall. However, it has not completely wiped me out...I just have moments of overwhelming sadness. It's so very sad and disappointing and unfortunate. Everyone keeps telling me this is my opportunity for a fresh start, a new beginning. I recognize that but honestly, I didn't need a fresh start. I didn't want to start over. But, no sense dwelling on it. I let myself have my moments and then go about my day.
So, I look at all the positives....I have started a new job at a familiar and welcoming place. It's home and the movers only delivered our stuff this morning. I do truly feel at home here and the kids do too, which is an unbelievable relief. I'm hopeful that this change will allow us all to blossom and find the joy and happiness we so richly deserve. I have beautiful, healthy, smart children. I do my best every day to make sure they stay that way. Life has definitely not followed the path I anticipated, so now I will wait to see where it takes me....
Here's hoping that 2012 brings nothing but happy surprises and much love....
Tiffany, PhD ;)
P.S. If you are not on facebook, please leave me a comment here so I can get you my new email address!
Regardless of all of that awesome, with all of that accomplishment, with all of that amazing stuff I did by myself, that last one managed to kick my butt. Here I sit, licking my wounds and recognizing I lied...remember when I said I didn't think it would bother me? Well, yah, not so much, my ass.
Yes, I'm relieved its done. The anticipation of the date, in this case, did not bite me in the ass. The actual event did. The actual proceedings were, to quote Kate, "Bonkers". It started when the baliff insisted on Roberts Rules of Order to call us into the courtroom....what was suppose to be 15 minutes at most, stretched to 30, due to each of us being called to the stand (which wasn't suppose to happen). He shall not be named was actually asked if it was okay with him if I change my name (WTF??), among other absurd things. The kind friend who was called to the stand to testify that we had, indeed, been in non-cohabitation for more than a year, was interrupted by the judge from the adjacent courtroom seeking 'extra security because he couldn't find the panic button' . This was immediately followed by what was presumably a woman, just outside our courtroom, banging around moaning for about 10 minutes about, among other things, her burning arm. After which I was called to the stand to testify that, I was, indeed not seeking a name change as a result of criminal activity, filing for bankruptcy or being on a sexual offender registry. Yes, you read that right. Beyond offended as I returned to my seat, the judge granted the divorce, not even giving me the courtesy of actually placing my ass in the chair before he rendered his decision.
I did not bother to anticipate how the hearing would transpire (like that could have been predicted) and I certainly didn't anticipate what I would or wouldn't say to him after it was all done. As we stood outside the courthouse, words escaped me. He looked at me and thanked me. Thanked me for being at the hearing and for signing the papers. Huh?? I had no response because I was thinking what the hell do I say now and HUH??? And then, of course, I had tears. He had none. I had tears. Dammit, I had tears.
A few more pleasantries and he was gone. I looked at Kate, crying and she was crying...an emotional pendulum ensued for the remainder of the day. I went from sobbing to laughing and back again. Yah, it smacked me in the gut like a 2x4. The lack of anticipation left me unprepared for the freefall. However, it has not completely wiped me out...I just have moments of overwhelming sadness. It's so very sad and disappointing and unfortunate. Everyone keeps telling me this is my opportunity for a fresh start, a new beginning. I recognize that but honestly, I didn't need a fresh start. I didn't want to start over. But, no sense dwelling on it. I let myself have my moments and then go about my day.
So, I look at all the positives....I have started a new job at a familiar and welcoming place. It's home and the movers only delivered our stuff this morning. I do truly feel at home here and the kids do too, which is an unbelievable relief. I'm hopeful that this change will allow us all to blossom and find the joy and happiness we so richly deserve. I have beautiful, healthy, smart children. I do my best every day to make sure they stay that way. Life has definitely not followed the path I anticipated, so now I will wait to see where it takes me....
Here's hoping that 2012 brings nothing but happy surprises and much love....
Tiffany, PhD ;)
P.S. If you are not on facebook, please leave me a comment here so I can get you my new email address!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Just keep walking...
So, I have been cooped up for the last 4 solid months writing my dissertation. Yesterday, I printed the 188 page document 5 times for distribution to my committee. Took the kids to dinner and a movie to 'celebrate'. Celebrate in quotes because it didn't sink in. Because, this morning I woke up at five to seven thinking "Okay, I'll go for my walk and then I'll get back to work on the revisions...." I went back to sleep when I finally realized I didn't have to do that today.
I went for my walk. For the past 4 months or so, my time walking has been spent coming up with phrases for rewording things, thoughts on how to reorganize chapter 4, making lists of what still needed to be corrected, rewritten or tossed out. Piles upon piles of thoughts on nanoparticles, glass and photoluminescence have cluttered my mind and my kitchen table, coffee table and desk. This morning, the other stuff I have managed to bury under those piles of technical thoughts, rushed to the forefront and guess what happened? I started sobbing while walking down Highway 93 with the throngs of Clemson fans driving to the game watching from their cars. I couldn't stop crying, so I kept walking. Walked all the way to campus before it subsided. Really, until I convinced myself that I was okay and my whole world wasn't coming to an end.
You see, I walk the same route almost everyday, but today as I walked by the spot where he said to me "maybe we've gone as far as we can together", I remembered that's where he said it. Why today? I made it around the corner before I caught my breath. Then, I started to cry because I want to hear an honest to goodness, truthful, soulful apology from someone I know I'll never get it from. My heart is broken and I want to hear he understands that and he knows he screwed up. The 'dumb girl' in me wants that. Badly. I won't ask for a why anymore. A why won't fix anything. Won't change anything. But, I want an honest admission of guilt. He lied. He broke promises. He stole things from me he said were mine to keep. I'm hurt, I've done nothing wrong and I want an apology. After 14 years of marriage, I think I'm entitled to at least that.
Which then made me think about how I'm doing all of this moving forward, moving on,starting over stuff by myself and a part of me, well, let's be honest here, A LOT of me wishes I weren't. I miss having someone in my life who gets all of it. Who's there when it's time to turn out the light. Who's there to tell me, I'm glad you had a good day today. Who expects to see me at the end of the day. I'm so tired of feeling like such an imposition to other people. I feel like I'm constantly asking for attention and when I do see people I don't want to tell them about my trials for fear they'll leave and not want to see me again.
I know I'm independent. I have been my whole life. I can do it myself. I am doing it myself. But, I would really like a partner in crime. Somebody to remind me it's time to go to bed. Somebody to be proud of being with me. Somebody who wants to be with me. Somebody who can't wait to see me. Somebody who makes my heart race at the thought of being with them. I miss that. I miss all of it. I really do.
I'm not out looking. I don't have time for that (see paragraph 1). I have a dissertation to defend, a house to get streamlined for a move that will happen in a little over a month, and a new life to get organized for me and the kids. Not to mention supporting and loving those kids. They really need me right now too. So, I don't have time to fall apart. I don't have time to be lonely and I sure as hell don't have time to wallow around drowning in self pity. But, here I am, boo-hooing anyway.
Apparently, my heart didn't get the memo today.
But, tomorrow is a new day. I'll go for another walk and this time, that spot won't get to me, but if it does, oh well. The piles have to get cleaned up for this move and that's just one I've got to get moved off of my heart.
T.
I went for my walk. For the past 4 months or so, my time walking has been spent coming up with phrases for rewording things, thoughts on how to reorganize chapter 4, making lists of what still needed to be corrected, rewritten or tossed out. Piles upon piles of thoughts on nanoparticles, glass and photoluminescence have cluttered my mind and my kitchen table, coffee table and desk. This morning, the other stuff I have managed to bury under those piles of technical thoughts, rushed to the forefront and guess what happened? I started sobbing while walking down Highway 93 with the throngs of Clemson fans driving to the game watching from their cars. I couldn't stop crying, so I kept walking. Walked all the way to campus before it subsided. Really, until I convinced myself that I was okay and my whole world wasn't coming to an end.
You see, I walk the same route almost everyday, but today as I walked by the spot where he said to me "maybe we've gone as far as we can together", I remembered that's where he said it. Why today? I made it around the corner before I caught my breath. Then, I started to cry because I want to hear an honest to goodness, truthful, soulful apology from someone I know I'll never get it from. My heart is broken and I want to hear he understands that and he knows he screwed up. The 'dumb girl' in me wants that. Badly. I won't ask for a why anymore. A why won't fix anything. Won't change anything. But, I want an honest admission of guilt. He lied. He broke promises. He stole things from me he said were mine to keep. I'm hurt, I've done nothing wrong and I want an apology. After 14 years of marriage, I think I'm entitled to at least that.
Which then made me think about how I'm doing all of this moving forward, moving on,starting over stuff by myself and a part of me, well, let's be honest here, A LOT of me wishes I weren't. I miss having someone in my life who gets all of it. Who's there when it's time to turn out the light. Who's there to tell me, I'm glad you had a good day today. Who expects to see me at the end of the day. I'm so tired of feeling like such an imposition to other people. I feel like I'm constantly asking for attention and when I do see people I don't want to tell them about my trials for fear they'll leave and not want to see me again.
I know I'm independent. I have been my whole life. I can do it myself. I am doing it myself. But, I would really like a partner in crime. Somebody to remind me it's time to go to bed. Somebody to be proud of being with me. Somebody who wants to be with me. Somebody who can't wait to see me. Somebody who makes my heart race at the thought of being with them. I miss that. I miss all of it. I really do.
I'm not out looking. I don't have time for that (see paragraph 1). I have a dissertation to defend, a house to get streamlined for a move that will happen in a little over a month, and a new life to get organized for me and the kids. Not to mention supporting and loving those kids. They really need me right now too. So, I don't have time to fall apart. I don't have time to be lonely and I sure as hell don't have time to wallow around drowning in self pity. But, here I am, boo-hooing anyway.
Apparently, my heart didn't get the memo today.
But, tomorrow is a new day. I'll go for another walk and this time, that spot won't get to me, but if it does, oh well. The piles have to get cleaned up for this move and that's just one I've got to get moved off of my heart.
T.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Happenstance...I think not...
Over the course of the past two weeks, I have been getting a lesson in destiny...I have always believed that people are in your life for a reason, but, wow, it's becoming very clear to me just how very real and true it is...
My best friend is a woman whom I met ten years ago while I was a working engineer. So was she. Both of us fresh out of school with strong family ties and mutual understanding of what was most important in life. On the surface, this is why I thought we had become friends. She is the only person that I trusted my small and only child at the time with, without batting an eye, outside of my immediate family. We just clicked. We have not lived near each other in 9 years but the friendship remained steadfast and true. We have managed to see each other at least once a year (which seems like just not enough, but it's what we can manage...) Almost 6 years ago, her fiance suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. When I got the call that morning, I burst into tears. I had no words of wisdom. I had no way to ease her pain. I had no frame of reference to relate to the tremendous loss she suffered. At the time all I could do was be there for her and felt so helpless and useless in her time of great need. Phone calls at random times of the day, and all I could do was listen, interject with some mindless drivel every now & then and just be there. I could not reconcile in my head or heart, why this had happened to such a genuinely lovely human being. I watched as she somehow managed to pick herself up and carry on despite what should have been debilitating grief. No matter how unfair the circumstances she admirably carried herself with such grace and strength.
Four years ago, I had Griffin. We all know how much questioning and anger I had (see previous posts and my old blog...) and then the journey of losing him. While still reeling from that loss, my husband disappeared. Although he did not die physically, the loss was just as real. In the blink of an eye, she and I had more in common. I now had that understanding I had been looking for. Our friendship really turned to a sisterhood as a result. I also finally get the whole Oprah and Gayle thing. She refuses to be Gayle, but I get it. She has been on the receiving end of those randomly timed phone calls, and she is just there for me. She may not know what to say, but she's there, and it makes all the difference. In the back of my mind, I often wonder...is this why we met all those years ago? Somebody, somewhere knew this is what the universe had in store for each of us and knew we'd need each other to make it through??????
Four days before Christmas this past year, a college roommate of mine found me on facebook, out of nowhere. The last I had heard from her, she was literally riding off into the sunset on a white horse with the love of her life. I had run into her dad about 7 years ago and he reported that she was living, joyfully, in the woods of Wisconsin somewhere, expecting her first child. It was great to hear all was as it should be for her. We had lived together almost a year before we discovered we had the same birthday. I always love telling that story. We met because she was dating a guy who was a friend of my boyfriend. We were the girls who would hang out together because the boys were too wrapped up in playing dungeons and dragons until 5 in the morning. She's an artist, was an art history major and thinks completely differently than an engineer. It was an interesting pairing, her and I, but we had fun, nonetheless.
When she friended me on FB, I realized she had a different last name, which puzzled me because she and her husband were the kind of couple Shakespearean sonnets are written about. So, I did a little investigating that day and I discovered she had lost him to an awful illness. I freaked out a bit upon this discovery. Another woman I have admired and cherished has endured her own private hell of loss. Much more in common than our birthdays now....
On Saturday, I felt compelled to read my birthday twin's blog, randomly choosing a place to start, opening the entries two days after her husband had passed, first. Even more goose bump worthy, was the realization that the anniversary of his death was this week. I literally found myself holding my breath as I read, in awe, the details of what had transpired that week of her life, finally gasping for air, in between sobs. Separated by time, space and life, she was feeling, doing and experiencing the EXACT same EVERYTHING I had in the past year, in that post. I continued to read and found she was out there now, three years later, happy and living her life to the fullest after those dark and daunting moments, and it empowered me in a flash. I am still stunned by the entire experience, but as it sinks in, those same questions are percolating from before and wondering about that nudge I got from the universe to peek into her world...
In the last year I have found that somehow, the right people with the right words at the right time are continually coming my way. It also appears that the reciprocal is true, right? I'm being placed in the lives of others so that I may be there at the right moment with the wisdom that has been bestowed upon me. How is it possible that two of the strongest women I have ever known in my lifetime have come to suffer such similar losses? How is it that we are sisters via such similar tragedy??? It's amazing to me really, that what appeared as randomly established friendships over the years appears now to be intentional by some greater power? Almost spooky from my end. What happened to my roommate, is helping me be more supportive of my best friend. The life altering circumstances which have bound us together in my mind, have cemented my quest to be sure to live life to it's fullest and love as much and as often as you can. I am so very thankful to have these wonderful women in my life.
Whatever that higher power out there in the universe may be....apparently they really know what they are doing. Take a deep breath, acknowledge and let destiny show itself...this is the profound revelation I have come to. Be thankful for the people who reveal themselves to you as your chosen family. They really are there for a reason.
The last little nugget of knowledge I feel compelled to share as a result of our experiences......Our moment on this planet is fleeting, don't get bogged down in whatever misfortunes and tragedies may come your way. When you are lucky enough to live to see another day, the possibilities for joy are limitless.
Tiffany
My best friend is a woman whom I met ten years ago while I was a working engineer. So was she. Both of us fresh out of school with strong family ties and mutual understanding of what was most important in life. On the surface, this is why I thought we had become friends. She is the only person that I trusted my small and only child at the time with, without batting an eye, outside of my immediate family. We just clicked. We have not lived near each other in 9 years but the friendship remained steadfast and true. We have managed to see each other at least once a year (which seems like just not enough, but it's what we can manage...) Almost 6 years ago, her fiance suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. When I got the call that morning, I burst into tears. I had no words of wisdom. I had no way to ease her pain. I had no frame of reference to relate to the tremendous loss she suffered. At the time all I could do was be there for her and felt so helpless and useless in her time of great need. Phone calls at random times of the day, and all I could do was listen, interject with some mindless drivel every now & then and just be there. I could not reconcile in my head or heart, why this had happened to such a genuinely lovely human being. I watched as she somehow managed to pick herself up and carry on despite what should have been debilitating grief. No matter how unfair the circumstances she admirably carried herself with such grace and strength.
Four years ago, I had Griffin. We all know how much questioning and anger I had (see previous posts and my old blog...) and then the journey of losing him. While still reeling from that loss, my husband disappeared. Although he did not die physically, the loss was just as real. In the blink of an eye, she and I had more in common. I now had that understanding I had been looking for. Our friendship really turned to a sisterhood as a result. I also finally get the whole Oprah and Gayle thing. She refuses to be Gayle, but I get it. She has been on the receiving end of those randomly timed phone calls, and she is just there for me. She may not know what to say, but she's there, and it makes all the difference. In the back of my mind, I often wonder...is this why we met all those years ago? Somebody, somewhere knew this is what the universe had in store for each of us and knew we'd need each other to make it through??????
Four days before Christmas this past year, a college roommate of mine found me on facebook, out of nowhere. The last I had heard from her, she was literally riding off into the sunset on a white horse with the love of her life. I had run into her dad about 7 years ago and he reported that she was living, joyfully, in the woods of Wisconsin somewhere, expecting her first child. It was great to hear all was as it should be for her. We had lived together almost a year before we discovered we had the same birthday. I always love telling that story. We met because she was dating a guy who was a friend of my boyfriend. We were the girls who would hang out together because the boys were too wrapped up in playing dungeons and dragons until 5 in the morning. She's an artist, was an art history major and thinks completely differently than an engineer. It was an interesting pairing, her and I, but we had fun, nonetheless.
When she friended me on FB, I realized she had a different last name, which puzzled me because she and her husband were the kind of couple Shakespearean sonnets are written about. So, I did a little investigating that day and I discovered she had lost him to an awful illness. I freaked out a bit upon this discovery. Another woman I have admired and cherished has endured her own private hell of loss. Much more in common than our birthdays now....
On Saturday, I felt compelled to read my birthday twin's blog, randomly choosing a place to start, opening the entries two days after her husband had passed, first. Even more goose bump worthy, was the realization that the anniversary of his death was this week. I literally found myself holding my breath as I read, in awe, the details of what had transpired that week of her life, finally gasping for air, in between sobs. Separated by time, space and life, she was feeling, doing and experiencing the EXACT same EVERYTHING I had in the past year, in that post. I continued to read and found she was out there now, three years later, happy and living her life to the fullest after those dark and daunting moments, and it empowered me in a flash. I am still stunned by the entire experience, but as it sinks in, those same questions are percolating from before and wondering about that nudge I got from the universe to peek into her world...
In the last year I have found that somehow, the right people with the right words at the right time are continually coming my way. It also appears that the reciprocal is true, right? I'm being placed in the lives of others so that I may be there at the right moment with the wisdom that has been bestowed upon me. How is it possible that two of the strongest women I have ever known in my lifetime have come to suffer such similar losses? How is it that we are sisters via such similar tragedy??? It's amazing to me really, that what appeared as randomly established friendships over the years appears now to be intentional by some greater power? Almost spooky from my end. What happened to my roommate, is helping me be more supportive of my best friend. The life altering circumstances which have bound us together in my mind, have cemented my quest to be sure to live life to it's fullest and love as much and as often as you can. I am so very thankful to have these wonderful women in my life.
Whatever that higher power out there in the universe may be....apparently they really know what they are doing. Take a deep breath, acknowledge and let destiny show itself...this is the profound revelation I have come to. Be thankful for the people who reveal themselves to you as your chosen family. They really are there for a reason.
The last little nugget of knowledge I feel compelled to share as a result of our experiences......Our moment on this planet is fleeting, don't get bogged down in whatever misfortunes and tragedies may come your way. When you are lucky enough to live to see another day, the possibilities for joy are limitless.
Tiffany
Monday, July 25, 2011
Regression Analysis
So, seven LONG, LONG, weeks ago I went dancing on a Tuesday night like I have been doing for about the last six months. Second song in, I did a normal, regular, even, correct rock step. However, my right calf had other plans and snapped like a rubberband. I heard the pop in my head despite the extraordinarily loud music. In the split second it took for the sound and the pain to correlate, panic had a chance to settle in.....I was on crutches the next day and restricted to "non-weight bearing" activity. Which means, sit on your ass, dummy, or it will never get better.
Over the course of the next few days, I found myself beginning to be stuck in my own head more than I had been for quite a while. I was crying, again. I wasn't sleeping, again. I had no motivation. I was spiral-ing, as I call it, in my head. I was questioning everything. I began doubting again. I was asking why, again.
I could see why it was happening- my outlet for stress and emotional detox were gone. I spent at least 45 minutes a day communing with my ipod, pavement and the heavens for the last year- it was my 'drug' for coping, clearing my head and generally making me into a whole human being and I couldn't do it, indefinitely. I tried little things around the house to replicate the cleansing nature of my daily ritual, to no avail. My leg would just not get better at the rate of which I was requesting...
No dancing. No walking. No sweating. No sleeping. Lots of crying. Lots of steps backwards. Regression. Almost like an out of body experience- I sensed what was happening and I knew exactly why, I was screaming on the inside to stop but it didn't. No sleeping. More crying. No movement. Staring. Like the color was drained from my life. More time in my head. More pressure on myself to fix, well, everything. No matter how hard I tried, I fell further into the cold, cavernous abyss.
An extended stay by he who shall remain nameless, in my house, with me in it, did NOT help matters either. BAD IDEA. Obviously, I was not thinking clearly to agree to such a thing. Knocked me backwards about, oh, I don't know, about eight trillion steps. I found out that I have been competing, inadvertently, for ex of the century, in the Land of MakeBelieve. I want the crown, scepter and title apparently. More crying. More weird dreams. Restlessness. Regression.
I have been analyzing all of this regression, knowing full well why it's happened, but wondering....
Is this a necessary part of the grieving process? (ummm, yes.)
Was this an Oprah "listen to the whisper before it turns into a smack in the back of the head" moment? (ummm, yes.)
Am I suppose to go backwards before I can truly move forward? (ummm, yah, maybe a little bit.)
Have I been on ' emotional crutches' or using exercise band-aids instead of dealing with pain of these horrible losses in my life for the past year? Should I be worried that I am damaged goods?
That's when I said nope to those last two questions and told myself to knock it off.
Patience, young grasshopper, patience. This whole thing is a metaphor for patience. Wait it out. Your leg will heal. Give it time. Quit panicking. Grieve. There is no quick fix for your leg or your heart. Patience. Deep breath and just wait. A reminder to let go and let God. You've been in the eye of the hurricane and now you must face the remainder of the storm. Time heals. You had to rest and gain the strength you need to find your way out. You will make it through. You'll be better than you were before. Stronger. Wiser. Leaner. Faster. Happier.
Dance-ier :)
Tiff
Over the course of the next few days, I found myself beginning to be stuck in my own head more than I had been for quite a while. I was crying, again. I wasn't sleeping, again. I had no motivation. I was spiral-ing, as I call it, in my head. I was questioning everything. I began doubting again. I was asking why, again.
I could see why it was happening- my outlet for stress and emotional detox were gone. I spent at least 45 minutes a day communing with my ipod, pavement and the heavens for the last year- it was my 'drug' for coping, clearing my head and generally making me into a whole human being and I couldn't do it, indefinitely. I tried little things around the house to replicate the cleansing nature of my daily ritual, to no avail. My leg would just not get better at the rate of which I was requesting...
No dancing. No walking. No sweating. No sleeping. Lots of crying. Lots of steps backwards. Regression. Almost like an out of body experience- I sensed what was happening and I knew exactly why, I was screaming on the inside to stop but it didn't. No sleeping. More crying. No movement. Staring. Like the color was drained from my life. More time in my head. More pressure on myself to fix, well, everything. No matter how hard I tried, I fell further into the cold, cavernous abyss.
An extended stay by he who shall remain nameless, in my house, with me in it, did NOT help matters either. BAD IDEA. Obviously, I was not thinking clearly to agree to such a thing. Knocked me backwards about, oh, I don't know, about eight trillion steps. I found out that I have been competing, inadvertently, for ex of the century, in the Land of MakeBelieve. I want the crown, scepter and title apparently. More crying. More weird dreams. Restlessness. Regression.
I have been analyzing all of this regression, knowing full well why it's happened, but wondering....
Is this a necessary part of the grieving process? (ummm, yes.)
Was this an Oprah "listen to the whisper before it turns into a smack in the back of the head" moment? (ummm, yes.)
Am I suppose to go backwards before I can truly move forward? (ummm, yah, maybe a little bit.)
Have I been on ' emotional crutches' or using exercise band-aids instead of dealing with pain of these horrible losses in my life for the past year? Should I be worried that I am damaged goods?
That's when I said nope to those last two questions and told myself to knock it off.
Patience, young grasshopper, patience. This whole thing is a metaphor for patience. Wait it out. Your leg will heal. Give it time. Quit panicking. Grieve. There is no quick fix for your leg or your heart. Patience. Deep breath and just wait. A reminder to let go and let God. You've been in the eye of the hurricane and now you must face the remainder of the storm. Time heals. You had to rest and gain the strength you need to find your way out. You will make it through. You'll be better than you were before. Stronger. Wiser. Leaner. Faster. Happier.
Dance-ier :)
Tiff
Thursday, June 9, 2011
The River
Heard this song on our way back from a patented Kirin, Cooper, Mommy adventure of the month....I use to sing it to Kirin when she was a baby and she changed the name of it to "The Butterfly Song". Never really figured out why, and to the boys too.....Anyway, sharing because it surprisingly touched me yet again. It reminded me that the reason I use to sing it to my babies was to teach them they should always live their lives to the fullest and they can weather whatever storms they walk into throughout their lives....definitely a reminder to me to do take a deep breath and carry on too. I can do this. Whatever THIS may be....
Thanks, Garth. I needed that.
Tiffany
Thanks, Garth. I needed that.
Tiffany
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Dealing with The Knot(s)
Have you ever owned a necklace, stuck it in a drawer for an undetermined amount of time, only to pull it out 'moments' later and find it tangled and knotted? The process to untangle it is generally quite complicated. There is the initial pull to see if it would just undo itself, which, in actuality, only makes it more difficult to get undone. Then you locate the main knot, which you begin to loosen, but realize it will require four other kinks in the chain to be removed before you can get to the main one. Upon the loosening of that 4th one, you inevitably find 2-3 others which require your attention before you can get to that big one. Then, suddenly, the entire thing unravels, almost magically on it's own and you are left with the original jewel in hand, linked only by the clasp.
So as I was walking my 4 mile loop on Saturday I was pondering the many complications related to my current situation (as I usually do) and had the following 'aha' moment...This necklace thing is a perfect metaphor for the 'tying the knot' of marriage. I feel like I only just 'got it' because for the last six months, I've been in up to my nostrils actually untying my piece of a marriage knot.
To unravel and undo the multiple years of our marriage seemed an insurmountable task roughly a year ago. The entanglement of my life with his goes so far beyond that initial knot tied a Sunday in May fifteen years ago. It's easy to say, as he did, "I'm done with the relationship." That's all well and good, however, all that did was acknowledge the existence of the big knot. It's there and he wants it gone. I have to admit, I was stubborn and I tried, with all my might, to pull the knot tighter. I fought for several months, fiercely, to keep it tied. But, to my dismay (to put it mildly), I had to succumb to the ugly truth. It was time to let it go.
When we met, we were both college students with nothing but our bright futures ahead of us and our student loans on top of us. No real assets, no land, no tangible items of worth. Just each other and what we had to offer each other and the world. As time marched on, we acquired things, and they were just things, but WE acquired them together. WE acquired friends, together. WE developed our own extended family, including these friends and many old ones,together. WE had children and a family of our very own, together. The blessings they bestowed on US are beyond quantification. WE had created a life TOGETHER. No real way to tell where one ended and the other one began. With his statement, all of this was ordered to cease. Suddenly, it was expected that EVERYTHING was to be sequestered into a his or hers bin. The intricate, taut, and hidden knots of OUR life were being exposed and somehow needed to find a way to be undone. How do you divide the pictures? Do you keep the wedding photos? The marriage license? The cd's? The friends? The family? The loyalty? The love???
On Saturday I found myself recognizing that the secondary knots are disappearing through hard work and acceptance, acknowledgement and a lot of pain. I'm hearing two opposing thoughts right now from my closest friends and family..."Oh you will be so happy when the papers finally come" and "When those papers come, it's going to hit you hard". My retort is, I have absolutely no idea what it's going to do to me. I have a sense that when they arrive it will be the same as the moment when the master knot of the necklace suddenly disappears. Not an accomplishment by any stretch of the imagination. Relief, maybe, yes, because it is finally done. No more anticipation. Will I be happy? Hell no. This is not what I wanted, not what I pictured or what I needed from the man I married. Will it allow me to move on, unencumbered and guilt-free? Yes, probably. But, I will forever be tied (there is that word again) to him because of my children. I can't say I will ever be joyful about these proceedings. Accepting, yes. Happy, no.
Will the delivery of the papers devastate me? I don't think so. I think I've risen from the mounds of devastation and have refused to return. Will it hurt? Probably. Definitely, maybe. I think maybe not so much, sometimes, because I recognize a piece of paper is not the way our lives have been dis-integrated. It's taken almost surgical precision to change the ours to his or hers. The cuts and the bleeding have already occurred with regards to the emotional reality of the death of OUR life. The grieving for the loss of that life is already in progress. The papers are just the business of divorce. As long as I maintain my stance: that I refuse to let it get ugly and mean, to pay respect to the love and life that existed for 14 years: this business deal that has gone bad will come to a peaceable end.
So, now I wait for the day when the papers are finally signed. I don't look forward to it, but I don't dread it either. I don't think about it much, actually. What will happen, will happen. With that final tug on the necklace, suddenly, the knot will be magically undone, but I know what went into making it happen.
So as I was walking my 4 mile loop on Saturday I was pondering the many complications related to my current situation (as I usually do) and had the following 'aha' moment...This necklace thing is a perfect metaphor for the 'tying the knot' of marriage. I feel like I only just 'got it' because for the last six months, I've been in up to my nostrils actually untying my piece of a marriage knot.
To unravel and undo the multiple years of our marriage seemed an insurmountable task roughly a year ago. The entanglement of my life with his goes so far beyond that initial knot tied a Sunday in May fifteen years ago. It's easy to say, as he did, "I'm done with the relationship." That's all well and good, however, all that did was acknowledge the existence of the big knot. It's there and he wants it gone. I have to admit, I was stubborn and I tried, with all my might, to pull the knot tighter. I fought for several months, fiercely, to keep it tied. But, to my dismay (to put it mildly), I had to succumb to the ugly truth. It was time to let it go.
When we met, we were both college students with nothing but our bright futures ahead of us and our student loans on top of us. No real assets, no land, no tangible items of worth. Just each other and what we had to offer each other and the world. As time marched on, we acquired things, and they were just things, but WE acquired them together. WE acquired friends, together. WE developed our own extended family, including these friends and many old ones,together. WE had children and a family of our very own, together. The blessings they bestowed on US are beyond quantification. WE had created a life TOGETHER. No real way to tell where one ended and the other one began. With his statement, all of this was ordered to cease. Suddenly, it was expected that EVERYTHING was to be sequestered into a his or hers bin. The intricate, taut, and hidden knots of OUR life were being exposed and somehow needed to find a way to be undone. How do you divide the pictures? Do you keep the wedding photos? The marriage license? The cd's? The friends? The family? The loyalty? The love???
On Saturday I found myself recognizing that the secondary knots are disappearing through hard work and acceptance, acknowledgement and a lot of pain. I'm hearing two opposing thoughts right now from my closest friends and family..."Oh you will be so happy when the papers finally come" and "When those papers come, it's going to hit you hard". My retort is, I have absolutely no idea what it's going to do to me. I have a sense that when they arrive it will be the same as the moment when the master knot of the necklace suddenly disappears. Not an accomplishment by any stretch of the imagination. Relief, maybe, yes, because it is finally done. No more anticipation. Will I be happy? Hell no. This is not what I wanted, not what I pictured or what I needed from the man I married. Will it allow me to move on, unencumbered and guilt-free? Yes, probably. But, I will forever be tied (there is that word again) to him because of my children. I can't say I will ever be joyful about these proceedings. Accepting, yes. Happy, no.
Will the delivery of the papers devastate me? I don't think so. I think I've risen from the mounds of devastation and have refused to return. Will it hurt? Probably. Definitely, maybe. I think maybe not so much, sometimes, because I recognize a piece of paper is not the way our lives have been dis-integrated. It's taken almost surgical precision to change the ours to his or hers. The cuts and the bleeding have already occurred with regards to the emotional reality of the death of OUR life. The grieving for the loss of that life is already in progress. The papers are just the business of divorce. As long as I maintain my stance: that I refuse to let it get ugly and mean, to pay respect to the love and life that existed for 14 years: this business deal that has gone bad will come to a peaceable end.
So, now I wait for the day when the papers are finally signed. I don't look forward to it, but I don't dread it either. I don't think about it much, actually. What will happen, will happen. With that final tug on the necklace, suddenly, the knot will be magically undone, but I know what went into making it happen.
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